Hello readers! Julie here. Happy fucking spring. This week on the podcast we’re bringing you a favorite chat with Kristen Schaal. Kristen shares the horror of her difficult pregnancies along with the brilliance of her “last call snacks” routine with her daughter.
Next week is May and it kicks off a couple big months for parents. Mothers Day, Fathers Day, and last day of school (!) — so stay tuned for all new episodes with fun guests including Andy Richter, Laura Prepon, AJ Jacobs and Rachel Feinstein.
As we mentioned previously, our small podcast production team of moms had different school vacations which made April a production juggle. For many people, this week is spring break. Ophira is spending hers upstate with her family, likely trying to get everyone excited to go hiking. My kids had their school break the week before last week. We had a really fun trip which made re-entry HARD. I had to focus on piles of work catch-up, watch our AmEx bill triple, and figure out how to end a friendship with a local family that let their white kids get cornrows in the Caribbean.
But for me, the hardest part of re-entry is dropping our kids at school the week after April break knowing they’ll soon be sick with whatever germs their friends brought back from vacation travel. The school halls collect everyone’s airline germs, the flora of Vermont fills the air with pollen, and 30-degree temperature swings between morning and afternoon means everyone is chilled or sweaty.
How do I know this? Am I an Epidemiologist? No. But, my kids are home sick for the 3rd day in a row. And I say WTF SPRING?! Why can’t you be the season that is GENTLE LIKE A BIRDSONG to parents? While I break up arguments between my coughing children and look out to our yard and see the piles of dog shit revealed now that snow has melted — I decided to give this season a talking to. Be better, Spring.
Complaints are just problems looking for solutions, so I drafted up: PARENTS’ NEW RULES FOR SPRING.
You can’t have viruses AND allergies. I’m sorry but let’s work with epidemiologists and virologists to figure out how to spread this stuff out equitably. And while we’re at it, can the school make the first day back after break an outdoor day? I don’t care if it’s cold out, I don’t want Tucker’s “It’s a Small World” germs in an enclosed classroom with my kids. Too small a world in that windowless room.
Speaking of cold, please no cold snaps colder than 43 degrees. Under no circumstances will we be purchasing any new cold-weather clothing to replace too-small or lost items. If it dips to 30 degrees then my kid is wearing oven mitts to school.
No winter sports tryouts. Why is my 7-year-old son talking about a hockey tryout in May? That’s not a thing, spring.
Let’s pick holiday and school vacation dates we can all agree on and stick with them, OK? But let me know ahead of time so I can book next year’s trip before everything is sold out.
No school administrative days. I just noticed there are two miscellaneous days off in May and I say no thank you. The year’s almost over, so what are you “admin”-ing anyway? It’s OK if you do a full-blown movie day at school, do they still have that TV/VCR combo strapped to a cart they can roll in? Or just throw them old iPhones and bags of Pirate’s Booty. We just need them in that building any day they’re not home sick from being in that building.
April showers don’t bring May flowers, they bring “where are my rainboots?” and “these boots don’t fit” or “where’s my other rainboot?” Can someone make rainboots with GPS?
Take it down a notch on the extreme weather events. Humans are doing a pretty good job with man-made horrors right now, so you can take a break on the tornadoes and floods this go-round. And I swear to Mother Earth if you drop another late frost and fuck-up strawberry season again, there’s going to be hell to pay.
Just like hibernating bears waking from winter, spring has turned the elementary school children into feral and hungry beasts with decreased interest in school and listening. We love the evening daylight, but please don’t make the days too long.
I’m all about the seasonal produce and colorful blooms — but as Ella Fitzgerald sang, spring can really hang you up the most. She was right!
What are your rules for spring? Leave them in the comments and maybe spring will listen.
We’ll be back next week with a brand new episode with the first name in comedy sidekick Andy Richter, and enjoy this week’s awesome interview with Kristen Schaal!