Happy Spring everyone! The moment has arrived when I stop making fun of people for drinking iced coffee, as it is now seasonally appropriate. Don’t worry, I’ll be back to mock you in November.
Spring Break from school happens to be on a different week for each one of our Parenting is a Joke team members, so we’re all juggling an extra ball or two, and bringing you one of my favorite episodes with Tig Notaro. Tig has a brand new comedy special out now called Hello Again. In this episode, she reveals that she was a bad kid (according to the system), and how that’s made her an even better parent.
What’s going on with me?
I’m not having fun.
I know that’s a downer, but it’s true. And I know that parenting isn’t supposed to be fun. Depending on what you’re dealing with, it might be flat-out miserable. Jennifer Senior even wrote a book about this titled, All Joy and No Fun which underlines the fact that parenting can bring you a lot of joy, but isn't “fun.”
I haven’t read this book probably because it doesn’t sound like the FUN ESCAPE I’M LOOKING FOR.
I agree that when I even look back at the meager 8 years my kid has been with me, I can easily throw words out like: tremendously rewarding, fulfilling, heartwarming, heartbreaking, and at times unexpectedly hilarious. But fun ?! No.
Sure, It’s sorta fun to watch your kid have fun, but I would put that in the category of “relief” kind of fun, rather than a knee-slapping good time.
The problem is my 8-year-old doesn’t want to do the things I find fun –let’s go out for a really interesting meal, let’s go for a long quiet walk in the botanical garden, let’s browse the Nordstrom Clearance tab on my phone. No, for us to have fun I need to join his activity – running for no reason, playing mindless video games, talking about mindless video games.
I thought staring at the eclipse on Monday was super fun. My husband even managed to secure us each a pair of glasses (thank you Brooklyn Public Library) so we had our magic specs and a balcony to watch this planetary alignment – I even have this adorable family photo to prove it.
What actually happened was – my son had finished his chores so he wanted his iPad time but I told him he should sit and watch the eclipse with me. He glanced at it for a while, when the moon had only taken a few bites out of the sun, but then proclaimed it was taking too long and wanted me to let him know when it got closer to the actual eclipse. I told him he should just patiently watch it. Then he screamed that it was BORING, and then I replied that not everything in life is instantaneous… and well, it devolved from there. He did check out the last 30 seconds and exclaim “Cool” but it was not the experience I wanted, and we don’t have a chance at a redo for 40 years!
I stopped myself from yelling, “You realize the next time this happens, I will likely be dead!”
That would have been fun.
Last night, I had the rare occasion of a night off. So this is it, I decided we were going to have a FUN time, even within our routine. Swim class was actually fun for me because I watched my kid swim for one hour while I sat in silence, behind glass, periodically checked things off of my to-do list from the day. After class, my son wanted to talk about class, so REAL CONVERSATION. That was kinda fun too. When it came to working on his science project, he wanted to skip the research and start decorating the presentation board. I allowed it, so we colored for a while, and I remembered something – I love coloring. Even when my son was done with it, I wanted to continue to color. And I did color a bit more. After I put him to bed, I thought about coloring a little more. What is wrong with me?! If you see me buy an adult coloring book, please promptly take me to a bar.
So I realized there is some light fun to be had, but man you have to lower your expectations. And then lower them again.
I’ll leave you with some clips. On Monday, I had the opportunity to introduce a movie at the Jacob Burns Film Center in Pleasantville, NY (if you live near there, please go support that place! They do a ton of cool events).
I decided to go with the 1989 Ron Howard movie, Parenthood. If you haven’t seen this movie and you’re a parent, watch it – the cast is insane – Steve Martin, Dianne Wiest, Mary Steenburgen, Rick Moranis, a teenage Martha Plimpton & Keanu Reeves to name just a few.
Rewatching it, I balled my eyes out. The issues they are talking about are far more progressive depictions of complicated family life than half the stuff you see now – , over-croweded public school classes, seeking therapy for a 9-year-old, teenage pregnancy, divorce, single motherhood, alcohol and gambling addictions, absent dads, a mother giving birth in her mid-40s! And it’s a comedy, so, many things are resolved quickly, but it leans hard on the fact that this family, and every family is messy.
TWO short monologues in this film are worth revisiting for any parent.
Here’s a great one by the great Helen Shaw who plays the grandmother, talking about 2 kinds of people in this world (which one are you?)
And the great Jason Robards, who plays Steve Martin’s <shitty> dad. The spot-on parenting metaphor starts at 1:13. if you can, treat yourself to the full 3 minutes of great acting and writing.
Bottom line – It’s supposed to be a rollercoaster. You’re supposed to feel exhausted. And somehow want to ride it again. And I like coloring. And I’m kinda ashamed of that.
And I know even a year from now I’ll look back at that photo of us wearing our paper eclipse glasses and think, “Just look at us! We had so much fun!”