Can I Help You With Anything?

And Do We Ever Find What We're Looking For?

Hello, Parenting is a Joke, listeners and readers! I hope you are enjoying your week. I’m currently on a flight to Vegas. Yes, I’ve abandoned my family once again – but don’t worry, I’m currently in the middle seat, so I’m already punishing myself for leaving. This time for a podcast festival for fans of Stand-Up with Pete with Pete Dominick! He’s been a guest on Parenting is a Joke, and one day, I hope we can do a festival where we invite him! I’m psyched for some desert air, a fun comedy show, and maybe a little Blackjack. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a middle seat, but I couldn’t bring myself to spend the $179 that would allow me an aisle (yes, that’s what they were actually charging). But now that I’ve saved so much money, I’m going to spend it on airplane booze. 

We’ve knocked it out of the park with this week’s guest, comedian Julia Scotti – I could have talked to her for hours, so enjoy this finely edited version of our chat here. She talks about being a transgender woman in comedy and the power of a good teacher. And make sure you check out the incredible documentary about her life and career in the comedy Julia Scotti: Funny That Way, directed by Susan Sandler.

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I remember once at a Walgreens, a woman working there asked me if I had found everything I needed? I really took that to heart. What did I need exactly? What was I really looking for? At that moment, I knew the ice cream and green tea sheet mask in my basket wouldn’t cover it, to say the least.

In our little apartment, we’re asking our son to ask us, before he gets screens, “Do you need help with anything else?” 

So far, I’ve mostly said no because what I really need help with is above his age and expertise level. But I was thinking about a list of what’s really going through my head when I’m asked that question. So here you go!

1. Can you find me a mood elevator that is not weed, alcohol, or a prescription? And Do NOT SAY exercise. And yes, I know, dark chocolate. Doesn’t cut it.

2. Can you repaint the ceiling so I don’t have to be reminded of the leak we had 9 years ago every time I lay in bed staring at it, unable to sleep but unable to get up

3. Can you make me a crisp martini with a whisper of vermouth and 3 olives?

4. Can you meal plan for the week with things you’re guaranteed to eat and take into account variety, high protein, complex carbs, and lots of vegetables? All of the meals should take under 30 minutes to prepare. Then, create a grocery list while cross-referencing what we have in the fridge.

5. Can you go through all of the videos I have on my phone of you and delete like 10 of the so-so ones? I’m running out of storage, and let’s admit they’re not all bangers, but I can bring myself to do it.

6. Can you soothe my existential fear that everything I teach you is outdated and ridiculous? I couldn’t fathom the world we’re in right now 10 years ago, so how can I predict the world you’ll be in when you’re 18?

7. Can you go back to napping?

8. Can you take all our iPhones, iPads, and laptops and throw them in the Gowanus Canal? We can gleefully watch them disintegrate into puddles of toxic bubbles in just minutes, I bet.

9. Can you bring back the middle class?

10. Can you take this Zoom call for me and remind them that 90% of Zooms are pointless?

11. Can you find this black button-down shirt I bought at a vintage store 7 years ago for $7? It was so cool. I wore it constantly and got compliments, but I lost it between our move and having you. It has to be somewhere. I think about it often. Can you find it, or use Google to find a similar one for sale somewhere close?

do you also have a lost piece of clothing that haunts you?

12. Can you fight that UBER cancellation charge I didn’t get around to because I was trying to rush home to relieve the babysitter who HAD to leave at 9:30pm for some reason?

13. Can you massage my shoulders and neck?

14. Can you cancel everything I really don’t want to do on my calendar between now and 2025? You’ll know events and appointments when you see them.

15. Can you reply to ALL of my emails?

16. Can you do my taxes? At last, all of my fake deductions?

17. Can you convince me in one to two sentences that all of the choices I made thus far in life were really fucking perfect?

18. Can you develop an under-eye cream that makes it look like I get 9 hours of sleep

19. Can you make me a delicious hot breakfast without using any pots or pans?

20. Can you tell me I’m a great parent? Okay now do it again like you mean it.

What do you need existential help with? Or real help with? Could an 8-year-old do it? Tell me in the comments. I always love hearing from you.

Also if you have a second, could you stroll by Apple podcasts and give us a rating (5 stars is always appreciated) and leave a comment. It really helps us as we hope to grow the show!

Enjoy this week’s episode with Julia Scotti. And look forward to the next couple of weeks, when I talk to comedian and writer Giulia Rozzi and, after that, CNN’s climate correspondent Bill Weir!

Until then, I’ll be gambling away my son’s inheritance! All $40 of it.