Can you Control the Gifts your Kid Receives?

I'm pretty much talking gun control.

And Hello Parents! Fall finally hit New York, and pretty yellow leaves cover the garbage. Every morning, my son asks me when it's going to snow. And I cringe at the fact that there is no way last year's snow boots will fit him, and I don't want to buy new ones…

In the podcast world, we have had fantastic guests, and they just keep coming! Last week, Rachel Dratch joined me, which you can listen to here, and this week features comic and host of the Law & Order-themed podcast That's Messed Up: An SVU Podcast, Kara Klenk. I loved talking to her about her definition of a trick baby. Check it out here.

Also, last Thursday, I was on Sherri Sheppard's Daytime show, SHERRI doing some parenting jokes, and here's the segment!

Mom Guilt with Ophira Eisenberg on SHERRI

Speaking of misplaced shame/anger/guilt/annoyance - here's a quandary for you just in time for the holidays: Can you Control the Gifts your Kid Receives?

I mentioned my child just had a birthday. I left pretty much all of the party planning in my husband's hands since I was on the road (the guilt begins), and he did a fantastic job - the only thing I would have done differently is I would have said NO GIFTS. We already gave him gifts; he has so much stuff already, and we live in a small apartment. But my husband left that off the invite, so 16 kids (more than we expected) came to the party, all bearing wrapped presents. They all ran around, ate pizza, and a slice of chocolate cake from the nice bakery in the area (I would have opted for the cheapest chocolate grocery store cake, but where I live, the nice bakery is more convenient: within walking distance, and why not support them right?) The party ended with zero tears, so let's WRITE THAT DOWN. We hauled home his gifts, which included a beautiful choice of books, action figures, and drawing sets, but he was the most excited about one particular package, claiming he knew what it was. And then he unwrapped with GLEE a plastic gun. 

From the beginning, my policy has been no gun toys. That's it, no questions, no further info needed, no gun toys. I have never handled a gun, even though I grew up in Calgary, Alberta - a prominent hunting place. The only thing I've shot is a video. And I say, no questions, no further info needed, but I have, of course, talked to my son about why I feel this way, drawing from the current climate (and really any climate), just shy of showing him news articles about tragic school shootings.

And I bet I know how it happened. Buying random other kids’ birthday presents is a pain in the ass. My son probably told this other kid that he wanted a toy gun for his birthday and his parents wete fine with it. The kid told his mom, and the mom probably said something like, “Are you sure that would be okay with his parents?”and the son assured her it was. So they went to Target and got it. I don’t blame anyone.

Except for the people who made this toy. Let me tell you something, this toy gun isn’t disguised as a space blaster, it looks like a real fucking weapon, just in blue and orange plastic. You load it up with foam bullets, cock the barrel and pull the trigger. Those foam bullets shoot out of that thing with force and velocity! You could hurt someone. This is the only present he wants to play with.

Photo by Kolby Milton on Unsplash

But we live in a small apartment, so I told him he couldn't shoot it in the apartment, as something would break. There is no big empty field around us — there are playgrounds and parks, but this is Brooklyn; all public spaces are always filled with people. On top of that, I live in the kind of neighborhood where if my son whipped out a toy guy in a park, the other parents would freak the fuck out and take high res photos of me and my child on their iPhone to immediately upload to Instagram/Nextdoor App/ Citizen App and the Park Slope Parents Message Board. I would be shunned, shamed, and probably kicked out of the neighborhood. They would report on me on the parent sites. It's almost hilarious how much my son can't play with this dumb toy because there is no place to do it!

So, I'm making a list of Airbnbs near some woods in Red States so that he can play with his toy weapon in a safe space.

Yes, I'm kidding.

But in general, I wonder, Am I overly sensitive about this toy gun thing? Have I turned him into a kid who wants nothing more than a toy gun because I have talked about how I'm against it? Will he just lose interest and forget about it in a couple of weeks like every other toy? I guess I'll find out. Any of your thoughts and comments on the matter are appreciated!

In the meantime, check out this great new episode with Kara Klenk talking about surviving a colicky kid, and look forward to next week, where I talk to comedian/actor/writer (you know him as Councilman Jamm from Parks & Recreation) Jon Glaser, where we talk about family rituals, adoption, social media and how much we can control.

Also, do YOU throw away Halloween candy? Can I pretend it expires?