Just Bring ‘Em

The people who say this are the devil

Hello, my friends, and sorry for the delay!

I wanted to publish yesterday, but last weekend I was lucky enough to do some events for the Nantucket Film Festival. Unfortunately, all the flights home got canceled because of “weather,” so I spent Monday hauling my family onto a ferry to the mainland, renting a car (the last one they had!), and driving the 5 hours back to New York. Let’s just say it was NOT a minimalist Monday.

I’m still unpacking mentally and physically.

On this week’s Parenting is a Joke episode, I talk to one of the most hilarious comics out there, Rachel Feinstein. Rachel and I discuss how the best parenting advice comes from a Type A Mom at Soul Cycle and her firefighter husband’s habit of dressing their daughter like Steve Jobs. She also breaks down that when you’re trying to get your kid to do something - there are threats, there are bribes, and then there are thribes. Listen here.

Summer in New York is about thribing yourself not to lose your mind. I sigh when I see the posters, ads, and social media campaigns for all the summer activities I won't be doing – outdoor concerts, cocktails on piers, all-night dance parties, and innovative food festivals. I'm not NOT doing them because I'm not interested. I have a small child, and none of those events would be a good time with him. You might say - well, can't you just get a babysitter? Sure, but you also might not understand that babysitters are the plumbers of the childcare world in New York: they are hard to find, few of them are good, and most are already "booked" on a Friday night.

Here's the other side of it – I actually don't want to do shit anymore. That's the best thing about being an older parent; I've already done it all. My FOMO is often replaced by FOMS - Fear of Missing Sleep. I'll be out with a friend, glance at the time, and instantly I'm filled with dread knowing I'll be woken up in mere hours.

I was invited to a house party not long ago, which I respectfully declined. I simply said, "I can't. I have a small child, so it's tough." 

The friend shot back, "Oh, just bring him! It'll be fun. Just bring him!" I know she didn't get what she was saying; it's not like I was talking about a random European traveler friend tagging along, no think more feral octopus.

But somehow, it got me. I thought, "Yeah, why can't I just bring 'em? This is what people in Sweden do, right? Just bring their kids with them…wherever?!" It sounds so inclusive, inviting, and even sweet, right? Just bring 'em! It takes a village, Ophira, and we'll all be there for you.

 So I put on a skirt and medium-high heels, and off we went!

We got there only to find out the party was not only NOT for kids but also beyond non-kid friendly. The theme of the gathering was bourbon and broken glass; there were no chairs, just high stools. They had a mean dog that no one could touch, a balcony with no railings, and the only juice was tomato.

Plus, we couldn't get into the "potty" because all my dumb, hip, childless friends were doing coke in it - it turns out their low-dose MDMA connection only had cocaine, so they were making do, which is extra irritating because they were flaunting the fact that they were well rested, could sleep until noon tomorrow, and were still doing stimulants. WHY? What do you need to be so awake for? A conversation about the failure of NFTs??

So I stood there with a hungry, thirsty, cranky kid looking for my village. Finally, the host swung by and, with sad eyes, asked me if I wanted to step away and do a tequila shot. I shot back with full rage, "And where should I put my kid?" She handed him a wooden spoon and said, "Can't he play with this for a while?"

Wow. Yeah. You clearly haven't seen kids' toys recently. So unless that spoon comes to life, dances, and sings to him by name, the answer is NO.

That's why I'm not bringing him to parties.

You hear of these unicorn parents who claim that they traveled the world with their 5-year-old in tow, and he entertained himself the entire time with only 5 colored pencils and a compass. Go fuck yourself. My kid wants toys, cartoons, pizza, and juice boxes. He wants Chuckee Cheese, okay?! And the farther we stray from that experience, the worst it will get. I wouldn't say I like that place, it is not for me at all, but I've been. Even though their animatronic band was half broken and the only adult beverage they had was Miller Lite – it was fantastic, and everyone was happy. I think there were 5 or 10 minutes in there where I didn't have to do anything. I just sat there drinking a Miller Lite. SO THAT WAS MY PARTY.

Check out our new episode with Rachel Feinstein and if you missed it - Neil Gaiman, Kristen Schaal, and Catherine Reithman just to name a few!