Hello, my friends! Little something I wanted to share with you - every so often a bot texts me and I don’t block it, my game is to see how fast they will block me. My method? I always text back like an angry mother. See my handiwork below:
I was asked today if I substack intentionally and just so you know - I have no idea what that would even be like, but I look forward to writing or editing these pieces every week, so maybe that’s the same thing? This week on Parenting is a Joke we have a Canadian pal of mine - comedian Shaun Majumder. He’s also appeared in a ton of American TV, including the horror series From. We talk about brushing little kids’ hair, being scared of AI, and how he can thank a wild night on ecstasy for convincing him to become a parent.
I am not fully doom and gloom over the fact that the world is so scary and it is the worst time in history to raise a kid because there are also tons of amazing things happening and being developed in this world.
But, then I think, yeah my kid is growing up in a bit of a sucky time - even their snacks suck. Kids’ food is getting WEIRD. We’ve ruined kids’ junk food now that you can grow anything in a lab.
I’m nostalgic for the candy and snacks of my childhood – I’m talking pixie sticks, pop rocks, candy cigarettes, and I realize those are all now called Juul….
But do you think when our kids are older they are going to miss their snacks? No. My kid is not going to say, “Whatever happened to baked lentil crisps? Can you believe I found Sriracha chickpeas on eBay for only $45, Man I miss cauliflower puffs and Turmeric turnip bites. Ever take a Rutabaga Round and sandwich it with Edamame gel? My mouth is watering just thinking about cassava and kidney bean bark on an Everything Bagel beet bud… On my birthday, I remember begging my mom to take us for Maitake Mushroom Mounds and Nutritional Yeast Nuggets!
In 2040 when my kid is an adult, he’ll be at some cocktail event saying, “Can you believe our parents fed us Packing Supplies and Edible Dust?!" They thought it was healthy! But that’s just what they make Amazon boxes out of now. They were so dumb. Oh! Pass me a dried squirrel strip. Did you try the Cricket crisps? They’re so good….
If I get really nostalgic for a quick hit of corn syrup-laden salty snacks and sugar-filled titanium dioxide-infused king-sized candy, I can drive right past my local coop and head to one of those big-ass suburban supermarkets. They still have an aisle with ring dings, cheese puffs, and Pop-Tarts with Skittles on top. One bite and you’re wired for days.
Our poor kids… algae and insects will be on the top of every grocery list when they’re meal planning for their children. Unless they solve the inevitable farming crisis. Does your child hold the keys to unlocking the solution for global warming??? Yeah, mine doesn’t either. Happy hump day!
What candy do you miss from your unsupervised and dangerous childhood? DM me.
Don’t miss Shaun Majumder on Parenting is a Joke this week, and coming up this month we have comedians Adam Cayton Holland, Mike Feeney, Rosebud Baker, and an Instagram parent I love, from BigTimeAdulting, Caitlin Murray!