Please, No Gifts
What Gift Language on a Birthday Invitation Really Means
Ah, it’s that time of year. Birthday season. All the parents that had sex during A Charlie Brown Christmas and/or on Valentine’s Day have kids with fall birthdays. The invitations are flooding in! And because everyone is overwhelmed with mountains of stuff, more frequently than not, there is some mention of the handling and receiving of presents. There are layers to this messaging, so let us help you translate the love language of kid-birthday-party-gift-etiquette.
But first - speaking of gifts - we’re back! Officially! Parenting is a Joke episode 1 of Season 2 has landed my friends and listeners, and it has everything you could ever want: mom jokes, dad jokes, a celebrity mom and dad interview with David Cross & Amber Tamblyn - even a disagreement over the patterns on kids clothes. Listen here and subscribe so you don’t miss a beat of this new season. Next up we have Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables, hosts from What Fresh Hell: Laughing in the Face of Motherhood, and comedian, host of The Circle, star of Netflix’s Survival of the Thickest, Michelle Buteau.
Back to kids birthday party invitations, which by the way are usually received via evite/paperless post and impossible to copy, paste, or forward to anyone.
No Mention of Gifts on the Invitation
This is obvious. You gotta bring a gift! They are writing this shit down, tracking every detail to include in their custom thank you cards. This party has decorations, planned activities and unlimited quantities of full-size cupcakes. There will definitely be goody bags, they will not be eco-conscious, and they will include one noisy item you’ll want to hurl out the window on the ride home from the party.
Gifts Not Necessary
This mom is the type that wants to be a “no gifts” person but also doesn’t feel the need to break their child open emotionally by explaining she is explicitly telling their friends not to bring presents to their celebration. So “not necessary” actually means “bring a gift, especially if you’re a close friend, but it doesn’t have to be good.” It also means "I am not going to have a plan for opening the presents which means I will not be keeping track of who gave what so if you are just an acquaintance don’t bother bringing a gift” and “you will not receive a thank you card” and “I will likely forget to hand out the goody bags.”
Your Presence is our Present
They absolutely want a handmade card. And if you are going to bring a gift it has to be small and either crafted or wooden or sentimental. Don’t wrap it. There will be no juice boxes so sugar your kid up prior to this Montessori-inspired party.
NO GIFTS
Don’t fuck around with anyone who goes all caps on the no-gift language. Don’t even bring a card. Don’t even say happy birthday. Consider skipping this party.
Please, No Gifts
Don’t be fooled by the passive-aggressive politeness. Bring a gift. A good one. Spend a little too much money. No gift receipt.
Don’t Bring A Gift, Instead Bring a Book You LOVE and are Done Reading!
These are the best-intentioned parents in the world, so just make sure you're long gone when their sugared-up 4-year-old goes ballistic when they realize all of their gifts are stained and dog-eared heavily used picture books that their peers deemed “done.” That kid will grow up to dislike libraries and birthdays.
Enjoy the parties, especially the gift of viral pink eye that your child will inevitably get (whether they bring a present or not).
Check out the new episode of Parenting is a Joke! And has your child already lost their school water bottle? Check out our new merch!
