Why Is It So HARD to Make Mom Friends

Bombing in Conversation on Playgrounds Across America

Welcome to March friends and parents! It’s been raining for days here in New York so everyone’s mood is…well, soaken. But I bought some tulips, and just stared at them like a mood-lifting lightbulb.

This week’s episode of Parenting is a Joke features brand new dad and hilarious comic Mike Feeney! We talk about those scary and wild first few weeks of bringing a baby home, shuffling work schedules, and why he chose to become a dad NOW.

I love to socialize, but I’m still working on mom friends. Part of my problem is my schedule - to make friends, you need to be able to hang out with them. Of course, everyone wants to do that after the kids have gone to bed, which is usually the time I hit the subway to get to one of the clubs to perform. Or I’m heading out of town… to perform. And then they invite me to their birthday gathering that is on a Friday or Saturday and I grapple with my life and career. Do I not try to book work that night so I can foster a friendship or do I say, “Sorry, but that just happens to be when I work.” I mean, I would never suggest a lawyer skip a day of their job to day-drink with me at noon, but somehow standup comedy gigs always read as “my choice” rather than a job/career, at least to some people. And I don’t expect anyone to understand how weird it is to do standup at night, hustle to get more gigs, and parent simultaneously. Much in the same way I don’t expect anyone who is not a parent to understand how if you forget to pack “night turtle” in the suitcase, your whole vacation might be ruined! But you also want just a little bit of… sympathy. Yes, I think it’s sympathy I’m specifically looking for.

And I do find it a little harder to relate to some of the other parents who have more traditional jobs and hours, and they feel the same way about me. You know how you either have a good rhythm and rapport with someone or you DON’T? Well, I feel like I’m trying my ass off with the other moms on the playground, but man I am just flat out BOMBING left and right. And then I get nervous and say stupid shit. You know that thing when someone is just not really catching the vibe of convo? That person is me. 

For example, the other day I thought a group of us were venting. Being real. And I said, “Ah, kids - you can’t take them anywhere and you can’t stick them in a bag.”

Now admittedly, not a killer bit, but wow did it flatline! Not even a pity laugh, not even a thin smile of acknowledgment.
I tried to save it by saying “And this neighborhood it would need to be a Fjallraven Kaken backpack right?”

Silence.
I mean they really looked at me like I was the worst person alive.
Then two of them struck up a new conversation and the other told me that Kaken means backpack. I said. “Oh cool. Fun fact - thanks!”  And then she said to the other mom that she’d see her later and left. No one was talking to me so I just weakly waved and walked away, muttering under my breath, “I don’t want to be friends with you anyway.”

Then it happened again. Once again I thought we were all just having fun and the conversation turned to sex with our partners after kids. I said, “Blowjobs are the most precious currency in a marriage because that’s the first to go - I mean who wants to give a blow job anyway?” And one mom put up her hand for a high-five so I high-fived it! And then she corrected me, “No I was saying, I do. I like giving blowjobs still.” And the other moms nodded in agreement with her.

WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?! I was shamed. I guess I’m the only NOT perfect woman/partner/mom/ blowjob giver. I

What do I do? Forget about it? Read Dale Carnegie’s book? Stop talking about fallacio and stuffing children into bags on playground? I’m up for any and all suggestions (except for joining one of those mom-friend-finder apps) so please leave ideas below.

Don’t miss this week’s episode with Mike Feeney, and I look forward to next week with Jen Brister joining me all the way from the UK!

Until then, be like a tulip and smoke some weed in Amsterdam.